Agency, Silence and Closure.
Updated: May 15, 2021
“Wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” – Toni Morrison (Song of Solomon)
One of my friends tweeted this last night.
Sometimes we have to create our own closure. I think I just did that, and I actually feel better. Saying what you need to say is good. — Monique Judge (@thejournalista) December 15, 2016
It spoke to me. It was what I needed to read, even though closure is a loaded topic that triggers me. It’s something I’ve been denied. And three years later, I’m still not over it.
That said, perhaps a trigger stems from the lack of agency that I feel. Because when it comes down to it, I suppose closure is personal — the ball is in my court– it’s not something I should be expecting from someone else. And like a fool I’ve been waiting for it. It’s something that I’ll likely never get (for many reasons). Plus, I’m not owed it (because a truism that I’ve come to accept is that the world owes me nothing).
But I need it. I’m tired. I feel stuck.
So, today I came across an essay on my Facebook newsfeed about relationships, words, silence, and closure (or the lack thereof). It’s interesting because the article isn’t new — it was written by an author named Rania Naim back in October for Thought Catalog.
I wonder if it was meant for me to read today. Energy, the universe, divine intervention and all of that. In any case, it spoke to me. It spoke to my soul. It encapsulates much of what I am feeling right now. It reads, to me, like an open letter of sorts. An open letter that I need to write to someone. I’d like to share some of the excerpts here.
This beautiful essay serves as the open letter that I am too tired to write. I just don’t have the energy anymore.
“Don’t worry when I yell at you or when I blame you. Don’t worry when I throw tantrums and send you long essays explaining why I’m mad…Don’t worry when I cry at night because of something you said.They’re all displays of love, they’re all cries for your attention and they’re all exhibits of how much I love you.But worry when my messages become one word answers, worry when I no longer fight with you about what you say…worry when I stop crying, when I stop talking and when I stop reacting.[…]Because my silence is more dangerous than my words, my silence can destroy much more than my words ever will.My silence means you’re no longer the one who’s occupying my thoughts and you’re no longer worth the noise.You see, I love words, I live for words, I can keep writing words forever because I can feel them, because they come from my heart, because they represent my depth and because they’re honest.But I hate silence. I’m not comfortable with the words left unsaid, with feelings left unattended and hearts being neglected.My words are my love, my silence is my departure, it’s the beginning of the end.[…]So don’t fear my heated arguments, the ways I try to show you who I am, the tears I can’t hold back because you mean the world to me. Don’t fear them, appreciate them, they’re all the ways I want to stay, they’re all the ways I try to fight with you because I want to fight for you.But fear the day it all stops, fear the day when everything goes quiet…”
Silence. I’m out of words. This author captured my sentiments with words I no longer have.